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Looking for a unique gift for your lover this year? Do what I do: Dump the chocolates out of a heart shaped box, then replace them with a gym membership and dress that used to fit them in college.

Yeats, Joyce, Stoker, Beckett, Wilde. The Irish have contributed so much to the world of literature I pretend to have read.

Joe Pesci and Michael Caine walk into a bar. Bartender says "You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?"

This Mother's Day, indulge your wife by getting the kids out of her hair for the few blessed hours of peace she needs to give the house a proper cleaning.

Big, brawny and imposing, with an enormous face, gigantic jaw, and a massive, muscular physique, the hulking 6'2" Robert Z'Dar projected a strong, aggressive, and intimidating screen presence that was ideally suited for the steady succession of mean, nasty, and extremely scary larger-than-life villains he often portrayed throughout a career that spanned over three decades.

This episode is brought to you by America! America: Governing based on the opinions of long dead racists who'd shit themselves at the sight of a VCR for over two hundred and forty years!

Despite what my thrift store shirts would have you believe, I am not, nor have I ever been, an Epiphany Lutheran Church Annual Lemon Bar Bake-Off Semi Finalist.

I attended a very progressive high school where the athletes, preppies, and stoners would all come together to make sure my Farscape novelizations were plucked from my hands, ripped in half, and wordlessly thrown back into my lap.

Smarties taste like they were deigned in a lab by the world's angriest scientists to disappoint you, and they still taste better than Whoppers.

I would rather share my thanksgiving table with ten shitty, chardonnay-soaked aunts in MAGA hats, than take one bite of your stuffing with raisins in it. Man's gotta have a code.

Somewhere right now at a county fair, Creed, Puddle of Mudd, and Three Doors Down are fighting a family of opossums over a trash can full of funnel cake scraps.