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In this first episode of Ologies, Alie Ward chats with volcanologist Jess Phoenix who also happens to be running for Congress. Learn how hot magma is, how volcanoes are formed, how screwed the Pacific Northwest is, what thrills Jess about volcanoes, and what to do if surrounded by horse bandits. Also: some valuable information about haunted lava tubes.

Settle in with Alie Ward and guest Kate Gilmore, a professional primatologist and lead keeper of the great apes and Old World monkeys at the Los Angeles Zoo. Learn about chimpanzee mating, why zookeepers don't wear FitBits, primate DRAAAMA, the erroneous philosophy behind truck nuts and what happens in the middle the night at the zoo. Also get some good info on primate conservation and how to be a friend to orangutans.

Did Ross Gellar ruin being a paleontologist? What's the hot goss on dino feathers? How did some dinos have four wings and which costs more: a used sedan or a dinosaur? Featuring guest Michael Habib of the Natural History Museum of LA County. Also covered: why Alie used to feel meh about dinos (DON'T JUDGE) and the realities of cloning. Oh and penis implants.

Get cozy with professional gemologist Kelly Sitek. She talks about adventures in mining, the chemical composition of different gems, breaks down the test taking process for gemology and gives advice on haunted stones. We also spill some tea on cultured pearls and address the psychology and neurological merits of crystals/the placebo effect. Whether you are a staunch skeptic or all about woo-woo, you may end up shoving a crystal down your pants just for good luck. A.k.a. neural top-down control of physiology.

Watchmaking horologist Cameron Weiss sits down to talk about mechanical vs. quartz, little tiny springs, patience, S-Town and the history of timekeeping. Also we address rap lyrics and some existential bullshit.

My guest this week met me in a dim conference room in a Cincinnati Hampton Inn on a Tuesday night and it was lit. Cole Imperi is a certified thanatologist and loves talking to people about death and dying. She also makes really good sugar cookies and was warm and patient talking to me about my anxiety surrounding death. I can't say enough good things about the woman.

Birds! Horned screamers! Winged pirates! Professional bird-person and all around cool dude James Maley joins Alie to talk about bird mating, monogamy, the cult of ornithology, absurd birds, parrots that are smarter than your friends' kids, a surprising fact about owl ears and history's most tragically zealous bird nerds. If you love birds, you'll be at home. If a bird did you dirty, you'll open your heart and learn to love again.

Skin care! Beard care! History! Grooming! Men's concealer! Make-up! And most importantly: what is self-confidence and where does it come from? The incredibly charming Alysha Marcantonio has been Alie's make-up artist for years and stepped in the booth to dish about HOW IN THE HECKERS she always has perfect skin (Alysha, not Alie), what it's like to hear all the gossip on set, creature prosthetics vs. glam squad and why beauty truly does come from the inside. Emotionally and from a molecular level.

Buuuugs. We cover perhaps Alie's favorite ology ever with an ologist who changed her life. Meet Lila Higgins: the self-professed "bug geek" with passion more infectious than a glassy winged sharpshooter mouth. (That will make sense later.) We talk about clowns in the forest, badgers, Hare Krishnas, solitary bugs vs. social ones, why wasps are such dicks and why it's totally fine to kiss a cockroach and eat a cricket.

Stars. Black holes. THE GAWDANG UNIVERSE. Astrophysicist and cosmologist Katie Mack (@astrokatie) joins to tell us her most embarrassing moments as a cosmologist, to debunk some physicist myths and give the nuts + bolts of everything form particle physics to gravitational waves and existential mysteries. Walk away with cocktail party comprehension of everything from the itty-bitty quarks that make you to the neutron stars banging together across the cosmos. More than anything, get perspective about your life on this, our little pale blue dot.

Carbohydrates: no longer just for your piehole. Stuff some knowledge into your ears with sugar scientist Michelle Dookwah and learn how your cells use carbs to communicate, the whys behind your winter cravings, the hot goss on the keto diet, and how much sugar you should really be eating. Also: B-movies about biology and the weirdest thing Alie ate today.

Sweaty palms before a date. Racing heart during a presentation. Needing a diaper while delivering a wedding toast. We've all been there. On the heels of New Year's resolutions, sports & performance psychologist Dr. Sari Shepphird explains confidence vs. performance anxiety, the origins of perfectionism, how much social media is too much, self-sabotoage and also dishes on strategies that athletes use to perform under pressure. Also: why you should holler the F word when you're nervous, why being authentic is always the best policy and the perils of professional darts.

Sea turtles, frog storms, Indiana Jones trivia, the triumph of will that was Snakes on a Plane, plus dissembling your anti-sneck feelings with Dr. David Steen. Learn more about what makes a herp a herp, the unfortunate etymology behind the ology, and why you'll be a rebel by loving snakes. A great episode for those who want to conquer their fears with science and logic, and also who grew up romping around and turning over logs.

ALL. ABOUT. FISH. Hilariously charming fish expert and LA County Natural History Museum Curator of Ichthyology, Dr. Christine Thacker, sits down with Alie in a basement full of several million jars of fish to chat about the worst fish husbands, the weirdest mating behaviors, the scariest fish, the nicest fish, the tiniest fish, how they breathe, how you can help reverse global warming, and whether you should pee in wetsuits. I love her so much and so will you.

The. Study. Of. Laughter. It exists, and it's called gelotology. In one of the oddly more somber episodes, Alie sits down with Dr. Lee Berk, a doctor who is "serious about laughter" and has dedicated decades to hunting down how humor affects the body. Learn about what makes a joke a joke, the science behind happiness, why you laugh when you're nervous, if comedians are naturally depressed or if that's a myth, and why some people get paid to tickle rats. Gelotology is an actual science and as Alie learns, it really is no laughing matter.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Also sex. Buckle up, Ologites, because clinical sexologist and author Shannon Boodram (known for her sex educational YouTube channel ShanBoody) chats with Alie about sexual identity, how to get over slumps, love languages, how a friggin' vagina works, monogamy vs. open relationships and which is right for her, sexual dynamics since women's liberation, some fun with prostate orgasms, fetishes and why relationships can be like pizza. Then at the very very end Alie talks about the weirdest sex dream she's ever had SORRY.

Squids. Cuttlefish. Octopusseseses. The world's most impassioned squid nerd, Sarah McAnulty, gets locked in a basement with Alie to talk about cephalopods, alien DNA, camouflage, invisibility cloaks, why cute things make us insane, terrible mating strategies, cute and clever ones and why she is so charmed by squid. Also addressed: Philly accents and the Kraken.

Superhero movies. Bastardized fairy tales. The psychology of celebrity. Star Wars. And yes, some ancient Greek and Roman myths. Professional mythologist and screenwriting consultant John Bucher spins some yarns and unravels some mysteries behind what makes a good story, and why we so desperately need them. Also: rethinking your own life's narrative and gaining a greater appreciation for Elvira. Trust me.

YouTube's "Shitty Robots" machine-maker, very funny human being, professional tinkerer and potential astronaut Simone Giertz hops in Alie's car to hang out in a sketchy Hollywood alley and chat. Topics covered: the definition of a robot, artificial intelligence, the gateway to her thirst for engineering power, plastic animals, and topless grandmas.

Museums! Mummies! Paintings! Hot dogs! Alie sits down with her dear internet friend and museologist Ronnie Cline, who manages 30,000 artifacts over 22 California State Park Museums. Get the hot gossip about behind-the-scenes museum life, vintage ghosts, following your dreams, changing the tone of history and the time Alie ruined a 16th Century Dutch portrait. Also: why Jack London is your new dead celebrity crush.

BEES! Hives, honey, and how to keep them as outdoor pets. Meet melittologist and President of the Urban Beekeepers Association, Amanda Shaw. She and Alie cozy up in a weird hotel in Portland to chat about honeybees vs. native ones, how to become a beekeeper, social savagery that rivals Game of Thrones, if you should eat honey to deal with seasonal allergies, what happens in the drone zone (hint: boning) and how we can SAVE THESE FRIGGIN BEES. Also: what happens when 15,000 bees go through a carwash.

If you like booze, you'll love... fungus! Alie goes Rogue and takes a field trip to a brewery in Newport, OR where she smells vats of bubbling beer slop and learns about the microorganisms that are the workhorses of the brewing industry. Learn about yeasts, how beer is made, the hardest part about being a beer maker, the thick history of beer, some home brewing tips and also a nugget about bungholes. Let's get yeasty.

Let's get mellow and intimate with the mechanics of the nether bod via a frank chat with the calmest, coolest gyno in Portland, Dr. Philippa Ribbink. She visited Alie's weird hotel to chat about vaginas (vs. vulvas), self-care, mental health, childbirth, trans health, body image, the accuracy of assault statistics, grooming, hygiene and more. NO QUESTION WAS TOO DELICATE, FOLKS.

Celebrate your lucky mutations with an episode about natural selection, agonizing boat trips, redemption stories, olde timey inter-family marriages, how much money you can make playing videos games, finch beaks, whether or not cave men are kinda hot and how to live on a small island with your soulmate. Evolutionary biologist and the director of the Moore Lab of Zoology, John McCormack, chats about all things evolution and gives Alie a new appreciation for how genetic blips can be hidden strengths.

Hey, kiddo, it's what's INSIDE that matters -- like your guts and bones and squishy brain and intestines and stuff. Meet Dr. Varshana Gurusamy: diagnostic radiology resident, Texan and amazing person with great stories. You'll learn the difference between an MRI and an ultrasound, between a CT scan and a CAT scan and why you should not put big things in orifices that you might not be able to retrieve them unaided. You'll want to hug a radiologist ... as soon as they take their lead gonad shield off.

Every day, your brain tries to save your life by being terrified. Thanks, brain! Also, calm the f*ck down, brain. Alie hunted down Mary Poffenroth, an expert in the biological and sociological causes/effects of fear and it is riveting. This real life FEAROLOGIST (which is a real word) talks about how fear is literally killing you, the difference between stress and fear, how to get along with your co-workers, friends, or partner better, and how to talk to your brain when it has needlessly pulled the fire alarm. Part 1 of a 2-part series that will honestly change your life.

FEAR. Anxiety. Stress. Dread. It's all the same dang thing, as it turns out. Biologist and fear expert Mary Poffenroth is back for Part 2 of what has been one of the most helpful interviews of ol' Alie Ward's life. Learn how super successful people approach fear, Mary’s scariest hour, plus answers to all of your questions about night terrors, self-spookery, sharks' bad PR image to how likely it is that a snake will bite your butt. Plus: the best thing about following your passions in life. If this episode helped you at all, consider telling friends about it so we can all get over being chicken sh*ts and, as Mary would say "die with great stories."

Do trees have feelings? How do they talk? How old can they get? Are there any tree stories that will make me cry? Spoiler: YES. Possibly the world's most enthusiastic tree expert, J. Casey Clapp, shows Alie his many tree tattoos, explains how roots communicate to each other, addresses "crown shyness" and schools Alie on the mental health benefits of tree proximity. Also: banana facts and Casey f*cking hates apples.

Peach fuzz. Chin hairs. Mammalian ponytails. WHY DO THEY HAPPEN. Yale researcher and associate professor Dr. Valerie Horsley stops by California to chat with Alie about the nature of hair and why it grows in the wrong places, the causes and remedies for hair loss, the grossest museum ever, and why we love and hate and need our hair as animals. Also: Dr. Horsely's decision to run for office and Alie's disgusting confessions, per usual.

Butterflies are gross. Yes they are delightful and beautiful and part of any idyllic picnic-scape but lepidopterologist, TV host and jungle explorer Phil Torres is here to gossip about how shamelessly disgusting our favorite bugs actually are. Learn their secrets, their mating habits, how they turn themselves into goo and then into another creature, what moth os the most goth, what flowers to plant to attract them, the scariest thing about the jungle and what it feels like to help discover new species. Also butterflies get sloppy drunk and we talk all about it.

Your best friend is a hairy beast and that's something to celebrate. This episode is a little different in tone and let's just say GOOD LUCK NOT CRYING, SUCKERS. Alie sits down with "Lucky Dog" host Brandon McMillan, who cares more about saving shelter mutts than he does about the 3 Daytime Emmys he's won for doing it. Learn about his Hollywood drama-worthy backstory that led to being one of the world's most celebrated dog trainers, plus how to calm anxious pups, breeders vs. shelter rescues, and how and why dogs help our brains and save our lives. Dogs 4 president 2020.

alie ward ABOUT OLOGIES SHOWS MERCH BACK ABOUT PRESS CONTACT BACK EPISODES TOPICS SMOLOGIES TRANSCRIPTS & BLEEPED EPISODES SPONSORS OLOGIES GIVES BACK Phonology (LINGUISTICS) with Dr. Nicole Holliday FullSizeRender 23.jpg Vocal fry. Code switching. Black Twitter. Valley girls. Culture vultures. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT TALKING. Alie battles traffic to sit down with linguistics professor Dr. Nicole Holliday about intonational phonology: how tones and pitch help us bond with others and construct identities. Inspired in part by former President Barack Obama's masterful linguistic variability, Dr. Holliday's work focuses on how language is used in the crossing and construction of racial/ethnic boundaries. She graciously fielded tons of questions for a fascinating dive into the nuances and strict grammatical rules of African American Language, cultural appropriation, our educational system, honoring your identity, what not to wear in Paris and the roiling debate over who is the best rapper.

Allergies. Nose jobs. Smell nostalgia. Street drugs. Septum piercings. Snoring. Hang on to your faces because Dr. John Craig goes deep and shares why he's so passionate about rhinology. You'll have a whole new relationship with your whiffer, appreciating what happens behind your nas-holes and coming away with some strategies to combat hay fever, Afrin addiction plus: a very legal substitute for illegal party drugs. Also: why you may want to shove a crayon into your nose.

Why were postcards invented and why do they still exist? Why do we lie to people and say our lives are better than they are? Alie stopped into the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan and talked to curator of 40 years, Donna Braden, about her work with the postcard collections -- as well as her musings about how emotions impact memory, why Americans love to hit the open road and what the biggest postcard you're allowed to mail is. Listen while riding off into the sunset or sipping tea on a porch and then send someone you love a giant postcard because you can.

PART 1: The Red Planet. A mysterious dusty orb millions of miles away. Our emergency escape bunker. Alie sits down with Dr. Jennifer Buz to talk about what Mars’s DEEEEAL is, why we send rovers there, good science fiction, so-so science fiction, double egg yolks, the poetry of the moon Phobos and some of the best science dreams perhaps ever recorded. Jennifer is maybe the chillest areologist on this planet and an absolute gem.

Crazy dongs! Gardening tips! Snail-based beauty products! Weather the LA heatwave and slug along with Dr. Jann Vendetti of the Natural History Museum of LA County as she gossips with Alie about some sensual slug lovemaking, Gold Rush lore, urban nails, beer bingeing and why you should stop and high five (high one?) a gastropod for evolving into such an interesting critter. Also: should you adopt a rabbit-sized pet snail?

SHAAAARKS. Leading shark researcher Dr. Chris Lowe dishes about bad shark PR, behind-the-scenes Jaws trivia, his thoughts on Sharknado, surfing safety, immune system marvels, cannibal twins, shark personalities, sea sex, and knife teeth. Alie learns that sharks are not the ocean's sociopaths but true evolutionary marvels who suffer from sensationalized reputations and sometimes inside-out butts. Listen up as a science primer during this, the holy Week of the Shark.

How much should you wash your hands? What's the best way to flirt with a stranger on a bus? Why are people scared of vaccines? What conspiracy theory enthralls Alie? Two epidemiologists-named-Erin and hosts of the stellar This Podcast Will Kill You chat about historical horror stories, plagues, flus, tick bombs, milkmaids, witch trials and more as they share their passion for disease ecology.

75% of adult Americans have wonky vision of some kind, your host included. Longtime pal and real-life eye surgeon, Dr. Reid Wainess answers all the questions that you never bring up during appointments. He and Alie chat about how eyes are just little cameras in your skull, glasses vs. contacts, Lasik, why we cry, some boggling ER stories, how marijuana effects eyeballs, floaters, cataracts, eye color, dogs in goggles and more. Also: what happens if you choke under pressure and pick the wrong options in an eye exam? HOW SCREWED ARE YOU?

The biggest eggs! The smallest eggs! The people arrested for stealing the most eggs! Oologist Dr. John Bates gave Alie a tour of the egg vault at the Field Museum of Chicago and it was a barrage of beautiful sights and shocking facts about bird butts. Get ready for speckly eggs, falcon mysteries, delicate treasures, pigeon mysteries, modern research with old artifacts, Easter bullshit, and whether or not you can hatch chickens from grocery store eggs. Also the carnival ride Alie will never ever ever go on.

We love it. We hate it. BEAUTY CULTURE. Looking good can make us feel decorated, empowered and more confident -- but why? And why are certain groups subtly told to "make-up" for their appearance? What's the line between self-care and oppression? Psychologist, author and beauty-researching kalologist Dr. Renee Engeln shines a huge bright floodlight on the sometimes ugly machinery of the billion-dollar beauty and fitness industry. This is an episode for make-up lovers, haters and the millions of us confused about being both at once. It's also an opportunity for dudes to learn just how how skewed the standards are. Buckle up -- this ologist will change the way you see the world, others and hopefully, yourself.

Trains. Locomotives. Choochoos. Bullet trains. Hyperloops. Subways. How fast can they go? How did they change American history? Why do people love them? What should we do with all that abandoned track? Can you marry a train? What's it like to shovel coal into a steam engine? Alie went off the rails at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan talking to an official ferroequinologist and curator Matt Anderson -- who confessed to some youthful railroad mischief, delivered a succinct slice of U.S. History, has train movie recommendations and discussed cars vs. trains in the great transportation debate. Also, why transporting isn't always about the trains.

Are plastic straws really that bad? What's the oldest message in a bottle? Any scuba vs. snorkel strategies? Does sunscreen kill coral? Can we reverse ocean warming in our lifetime? In a conversation with ocean and policy expert Dr. Ayana Johnson, Alie struggles with finding a balance between the wonders and the bummers. For the first 15-20 minutes, learn weird ocean trivia, why we love the sea, and facts about the ocean's depths and beauty. Then, we get to the sad stuff: ocean health, climate change, acidification, pollution, policy and what we can all do. If you've been feeling helpless, this episode gives you all the tools you need to understand and help our friend, the World Ocean. Also: some great information about whale pee.

THIS IS UPLIFTING, I PROMISE. And it might just make you switch careers. As a bookend to last week's Oceanology episode, Conservation Technologist Shah Selbe chats about saving the planet with some well-intentioned technology. Wind turbines, solar cars, and all the ways in which sensors, drones, recycled smartphones and real-time data reporting can help conserve species, spaces and communities that are threatened. Hear inspiring tales of travel, art, adventure and putting engineering to good use from a former rocket-science turned professional do-gooder. Also discussed: crocodile astrology, fishing vests and hippo power displays.