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Over the years, we’ve enjoyed many shorts featuring a strange visitor who materializes out of thin air to teach a misguided person the error of their ways. Coily, Mr. B Natural, Chalky the chalk demon, to name just a few. But nothing prepared us, or Glen, for Mr. X: an ordinary middle-aged man who appears in Glen’s bedroom one night. As the narrator says, “Right there in Glen’s bedroom was a strange man, someone he’d never even seen before.” It’s a little weird! Glen’s bizarre visit from the scolding, mustachioed Mr. X comes because Glen is a “bad kid.” Nobody seems to like him, including his mom. Even his little 1950's dog with the classic 1950's spot over its 1950's eye barely tolerates him. Glen does throw rocks at a cat and wears one of those little caps with the small bill popped up, so everyone who dislikes him kind of has a point.

We’ve all been there: your dad, a poor miller, tells everybody in the kingdom that you can spin straw into gold. The next thing you know, the King has locked you in a room with heaps of straw to do just that. Next thing you know, you’ve promised your firstborn child to the grody-yet-magical imp who does it for you. The Peppermint Players bring to life this classic Brothers Grimm tale, with important lessons that still resonate in these modern times.

A young woman and man are trapped in some kind of formless nether realm, AKA a black box theater. And boy, their “theater kid” energy is thicker than French custard. To deal with their career anxiety, they play and mime through what they imagine it might be like to actually work for a living, instead of, y’know, miming. They mock those silly older folks with their dull little jobs. It’s pretty bold to mock anyone while wearing a bow tie and suspenders, but they do it! Will watching this short help anyone plan or prepare for a career? Absolutely not. Will it encourage people to find a job, any job, to avoid strutting around making silly faces, and pleading for change outside popular tourist attractions? Maybe! Mime your way into an invisible box, or your guidance counselor’s office, and prepare for your eerily silent future. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for I Am My Own Career: Provider!

Like so many Coronet shorts, this one starts with an ungrateful little boy alone in his room. Like fewer Coronet shorts, the boy throws his disturbing jester puppet on the floor, which then comes to life and screeches at us in a voice that could curdle milk. The jester puppet has godlike powers, naturally, and transforms the boy into a transparent ghost so he can lurk and see all the work his dear sainted mother does every day to keep the family from living in filth. Then, the ghost boy gets to see all the stuff his father does around the house - stuff like cleaning the fish tank, messing around in the garage, and resembling David Berkowitz. See, that’s why you need them, kid! Basically, the puppet pulls a reverse It’s a Wonderful Life and shows young Jimmy how his being here only makes his parents’ lives harder. Great message, thanks once again Coronet for reminding us all what a burden we are on everyone we know!

When a new gal is hired at her place of work, our narrator remembers all she learned from her secretarial school mentor. Not just shorthand, typing, and refraining from chowing down at her desk, but also how to meet the office gals for lunch and join the bowling team.

Blended families can be a real challenge. Cinderella knows this all too well when she’s charged with beautifying her stepsisters for a big party at the Prince’s castle. As usual, Cinderella is left behind and dreams of clubbing with the rest of the fam. A fairy godmother appears and outfits her with everything needed to attend the royal affair. (Scenes omitted for clarity and budget.) But who will get the last laugh when the prince comes a-calling with Cinderella’s lost shoe??

When Coronet says something is “For Beginners,” take them at their word. These are rudimentary lessons; perhaps Courtesy For Amoebas might have been a more accurate title. This short takes place, as many Coronet shorts do, in a lively Las Vegas casino, with dazzling lights, beautiful people, and sensory overload everywhere you look. We’re just kidding, you’ll be going to a sterile elementary school classroom. The teacher is attempting to teach courtesy by having the children role play as adults. One child greets the other at the door, introduces them to their friends, and attempts to trick them into joining their essential oil MLM. In the middle of all this, there is a milk delivery, because children in the fifties were told that they would spontaneously combust if they went more than thirty minutes without ingesting milk.

Join two young boys who would much rather be playing in the mud, or blowing up army men, or maybe both at the same time, as a Coronet narrator expounds at great length about a concept that is pretty much: light lets us see. But surely, you think, even Coronet couldn’t possibly phone in something this elementary. They wouldn’t, for instance, repeat the same shots of stock footage multiple times, even though they clearly had nothing to do with what was being discussed on screen… Right? Well, tune in to How Light Helps Us to find out just how dumb Coronet thought kids in the 60s were! Then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in their underground kingdom of the naked mole rat.

Russell has to miss hockey practice to go to the dentist. He brings his hockey stick with him to the appointment, probably because of the rise in hockey equipment theft that plagued Brentwood California in the 1970s. It's never really explained and it doesn't really matter because innocent, cute, trusting Russell is about to be the victim of a workplace magic act. That's right, his dentist can't be happy with the fact that he's making good money and has incredibly clean hands — he's got to "make it fun" for the kids, while at the same time educating them about stuff they could easily read about on the back of a cereal box. Sadistic flossing and endless interrogation about eating sweets is grueling for all of us, but watching our dear Russell endure card tricks, shell games and crowd rap will have you literally cheering for gingivitis!

Tony, the titular Glug, is just an '80s boy in a puffy '80s vest who wants one simple, innocent thing: to get loaded on booze at all times. He and his friends conspire to steal beer from a truck, then head to a boathouse where he teaches the other kids how to properly glug the beers. That’s right, “glug” is a verb and a noun. To be fair, Tony was probably drunk when his teacher explained the parts of speech. The Glug’s teenage older sister chastises him after he rides his bike home drunk and scratches the family car. Turns out she also has a drinking problem she’s been dealing with. What is going on with this family?? Don’t bother asking dad, he’s down at the bar he keeps in the basement.

Avid followers of the Captain Marvel serial have been asking one question. No, not “Who is The Scorpion?” The real CapHeads want to know, “How many more are left in this damn thing?” Well, we have an answer to that: One! And maybe that episode will address that first question. Or not, who knows! If it doesn’t, if Captain Marvel just kinda shrugs and flies off to play golf with Vice President Alben Barkley, it will be the greatest moment in RiffTrax history.* But before that reveal, let’s pay a visit to the Valley of Death, where Captain Marvel lumbers, Betty loses consciousness yet again, and Billy Batson wieners around wienerly. There’s also a volcanic eruption, which the producers of the serial originally wanted to have occur in the conference room where 93% of the serial had previously taken place, but were overruled by the producer’s 7-year-old son, who was also responsible for both building the volcano AND pouring the baking soda in to make it erupt. One more episode until the

Before you start that kitchen remodel, you’ll want to check out 1949’s A Step-Saving Kitchen. Brought to you by the USDA and Home Economist Lenore Sater, you’re sure to get many ideas for efficiency and optimal kitchen design - especially lots and lots of potato storage.

Water Safety: An Introduction is a film from the classic genre of child endangerment. Whether playing on a broken bridge, taking a raft out alone, or trying to swim across large bodies of water, these kids will do anything to make the viewer wonder “Is this short really dark enough to go there?” And also, “Why doesn’t the dad on this little sailboat give his kid a freaking life jacket? If he’s not careful he might get pulled over by the lake police and have to pay an inexpensive fine!” The good news is you don’t need any familiarity with water safety to follow the plot, as it is, after all, An Introduction. If you survive your first few encounters with water, you can graduate to a more advanced film on the subject. Put on a Gore-Tex slicker and hold tight to the nearest railing as you join Mike, Kevin and Bill for the crucial wet lessons of Water Safety: An Introduction!

Your Friend, the Doctor is a vintage Coronet short from the same series as Your Friend, the Ratcatcher and Your Friend, the Dropout Who Just Needs to Crash on Your Couch for a Few Weeks While He Gets Things Together, Man. It’s also a direct prequel to the horror film Your Enemy, the Insurance Company. The short tells the tale of young Jimmy – it’s a Coronet short so he was either gonna be Jimmy or Billy – as he meets his new doctor and begins a beautiful friendship. But before Jimmy can get to that he has to visit his school’s Health Nurse (as opposed to those nurses who fight against health). The Health Nurse sends Jimmy home with a letter to show his parents, and boy howdy, you will not believe how much screen time is devoted to the delivery and reading of this letter. Most boys would immediately shove the letter into the bottom of their backpack, where it would remain until it was discovered at the end of the school year, stuck to several candy wrappers.

Tony is the youngest son of an artist who is inexplicably living in an opulent, swinging house despite peddling his wares at the type of neighborhood art market where you typically can buy gross handmade felted soap that somehow costs $20 or laser-cut wall art that says “It’s Wine O’Clock, bitches!” Tony’s brother and sister draw their own imagined worlds, but nobody pays Tony any mind. So he imagines his own world: One where enormous fearsome animals might tear him apart at any minute… Look, we don’t want to ruin the surprise. But this one gets absolutely insane and could not legally be made today. So watch it, and place a little wager with your friends and family about how many “Tonys” they went through before they found one who survived!

Before the X Games, before Tony Hawk, even before Christian Slater Gleamed a Cube of any sort, there was Skateboard Safety. Produced in 1976, the short offers a look at what people thought skateboarding was all about at the time: barefoot skating down massive hills on tiny wooden boards. Also, a lot of jumping over horizontal poles and swerving around cones. To the extreme!!! In between shots of skateboarding teenagers getting backed into by cars leaving driveways, Skateboard Safety introduces a wide cast of extremely '70s characters who are caught up in this hot, new, and deeply unsafe craze. The standout star is Freestyle Skateboard Champion Russ Howell, who’s basically Matthew McConaughey’s character from Dazed and Confused decked out in a green velour jumpsuit. Russ takes a break from rolling joints behind the rec center to tell kids how to skateboard safely. Thanks, Russ!

Of course, you may not have a problem about what to do on a date, but Nick? Nick couldn’t find his butt with a flashlight. He’s stymied when Kay actually accepts his invitation, but pal and life coach Jeff offers many ideas for casual budget outings. Brought to you by Coronet Instructional Films but be warned: graphic depictions of a weenie roast.

Surfacing action items. Decks. Synergy. Yes, if there’s one thing office work is full of, it’s thrills. But even the high stakes world of pivot tables and roadmapping isn’t enough for some office workers. These thrill seekers get their fix by engaging in risky behaviors such as leaning back in their chair or standing on their tip toes to open a file cabinet. They may even, and we hope you are sitting down, suggest to take something offline without actually having any intention to circle back to it!!! All these thrill seekers are courting serious injury, at least according to this short, which is essentially white collar Shake Hands With Danger. Injury, maiming, or even death lurk around every cubicle wall! And that’s only for your co-workers who interrupt to tell you that they just sent you an email. It’s time to VLOOKUP some laughs with Mike, Kevin, and Bill in Office Safety: The Thrill Seekers!

Do you have what it takes to be a model? Probably not, especially if you insist on eating food every eight hours or so. What are you thinking? Also, do you even know how to use cleanser? Can you, while standing, cross one leg over the other at the knee thus conveying a whimsical yet confident attitude that is sure to convince consumers to buy corduroy pants? Will you sit on a hay bale? Will you get in a van to go to a photo shoot with hippies? Can you commit to being at least five foot seven inches tall? If you can even begin to understand that modeling “isn't always fun” then a modeling career might be right for you! *Please submit a full body shot to Ami but do not call the agency.

Boy With a Knife could be an alternate title for John Carpenter’s Halloween, but the short is about something far more frightening: 1950s teens in white t-shirts making trouble at a hot dog stand! Brace yourself for the Fonzie-style thrills and danger! And let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: Crocodile Dundee has confirmed the “knife” status of the Knife in Boy With a Knife. When we asked him about the Boy, he just spat on the ground and said “not my department, mate.” Fair enough, C.D.! The titular Boy is troubled because his stepmother openly despises him. He acts out by stabbing the household front door with his switchblade. Next thing you know he’s falling in with a group of dangerous boys, boys so dangerous they call people harsh insults like “Newsreel.” Yep, “Newsreel.” The Boy With a Knife faces some tough love from a Man With a Job: specifically, Chuck Connors as a social worker trying to help these kids. Yes, that Chuck Connors, of The Rifleman and RiffTrax features

After four years, a dozen episodes, and enough Betty concussions that the NFL is considering forcing her to miss at least the first half of next week’s game, it’s time to close the book on Captain Marvel. Not since the last episode of Emily’s Reasons Why Not* have fans so ravenously awaited a series conclusion. Debates rage: Will they stick the landing, with state-of-the-art visual FX matched by plot twists that challenge what we know about good vs. evil, the superhero genre, and even our very selves? Or will they just tell us which old guy is The Scorpion and we all go “huh.” You know the drill by now: Billy Batson = weiner. Captain Marvel’s tights = crusty. Betty = in and out of consciousness. Lenses = desirable for some reason. Gabe = in the other one we did. It’s been over three hours of Captain Marvel and by our count, three is also the number of things that have happened over the course of the serial. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they bid a crusty farewell to Captain Marvel!